can't sleep...

ahhh... i talked to grace todayy...we talked about regina....her friend david gave her advice "to give her time and space"....i seriously took that into consideration...it really opened my eyes to how this situation has beeen affecting me... im just really tired how these past 2 months are going... it just effen pisses me off to see myselff wasting my frickin time moping and being emo and craappp... i dunnoo at the same... i still want to be that innocent who is still wanting to get her to talk to me... is it really worth my patience.. my time.. my effort...? really...im just really agnry at myself to let such a small thing affect my life...its just hard...for moment i actually thought of forgetting everything... forgetting all ties with regina...putting the things we have done together behind... these things sound harsh.... my life has been a wreck.. i wish i could tell this to regina.. how this situation is effen me up.... like my grades have been dropping... like...in apush... i got a 8/25 on my test i took last week.. o my gawwdd when i saw that score...i was dissappointed in myself...i just feeell soo much anger right now... EFF!... i just dunnooo anymoree... really? am i really going to end it all?... just goo trough life as none of this happened.. as if regina was just another person i go to church with.. or am i going continue trying fight through this crap my life has gotten into....and continue to be patient and find a way to make things better with me and regina.. i seriously dont knoww...AAH! frickin A..im really confused..\
i always thought i wasnt a jealous person... heck... i was wrong... everyone in this world is effen jealous .. there is no way around jealousy...everyone wants something.. soem tiems you get it... someimes you wont.. thats life... thats jealousy... seeeing her smiling.. having the time of her life... as if none this is affecting her... taking pictures with mathew on oovoo and the people at westminster high school... even the way she acts around billy...i think shes gone to far with this whole billy thing.... i know grace thinks billy is the cutest kid in the world but seriously...i dont see her going as far as she does... really now?... i think its too much regina...heck... i lied...i am a jealous person...what can i do about it... i dunnoo... do i hate being this way?....i despise it...
who the helll cares anymore right?... i just like this girll... i like regina nguyen bui... but so waht?.so what if i spent 7 years of my dam life knowing her.. so what if i spent two weeks in te most beautiful place called Alaska iwth such an amazing girl.. so what if we so much in common,,, so what if we gone so many laces together as kids such las vegas, grand canyon, scaremento,... soo what if i shared so many experiences with her... so what if i wake up everyday excited to say goodmorning to her... so what if i waited soo patiently for her to go sleep so i can text her a 1 page long goodnight text to her saying how amazing a smile she has... soo what if i did all tese things... and yet im stuck in this situation... her not alking to me... ignoring me...
i wouldnt be surprised if she hated me...i myself have been ignoring her... ive decided not to talk to her as she decided to not talk to me....... we've been through this before... it only lasted a week...it was my fault.. i ignored her...the sunday before that horrigying week... i felt as if she didnt want to talk to me anymore... she couldnt match my enthusiasm to ttalk to each oter as i did.. soo ignored...i was just soo mad at her tat week... i decided not tto talk to her...it was the biggest mistake ive ever made...how idiotic i can bee...after that one week... i went to talk her no thats a lie... i effing texted her... that i was sorrry.. i texted her.. gawddd what weak ass move... i texted regina that i was sorrry...seriously andy?? TEXT???......after that things went back to normal...but. it was always awkward for me...few months later... crap.. here i am... writing this blogg....i seeem soo angry yeah?...but watever... i just couldnt take holding so much anger i have gathering up in myself... here it is... thre truth you go it... why now....i dont effing know.....
id always tell myself i will go talk her or.. i have to talk to her soon... or id always hope for a dam miracle to come and fix everything... but who am i kidding... i talk the talk but never walk the walk... i can never step up and jsut talk to her... im always waitng for that right moment...im always waiting.. yeaaap... just waiting...

huh... i seem soo mad in this blogg.. i amm to be honest... if this is called venting.. heck ima beast.. hehe... im sorry grace if you are reading... sorry for all the cussing... there was no otehr way to put it... i dont want to seem like im a selfish bad guy.. i just feel soo angry right now...i dont to make regina seem like a bad person.. shes not .. shes a wonderfull girll... this situation has just gotten to me.. i dont take back what i said... i dunnoo it felt good...
do i give up or i dont... i still dont know yet... but im leaning towards the not giving up part... there is still part of me that still wants everthing back... its fighting and fighting... but its going no where... unless i ACTUALLY do something about.. instead ssitting around moping and being sad...huh... i really dont want to post this... but i will anyways... i just... huh...watever...

i laid on my bed for 30 minutes... couldnt sleep thinking about all this... closed my eyes and tried to force myself to sleep.. didnt work... huh...